The Relationship Phobe: Since When Was Being Single A Medical Condition?

I have to admit having been in something of a long term relationship until the beginning of this year I have been rather slack in keeping up to date with the latest news concerning what being single meant, thus leading to me having no idea that since the last time I’d been single the definition shifted from a relationship status to what can only be described as a serious, and potentially life threatening illness.

Yes that’s right, no longer is singledom just another box on a list of relationship types, it is now something that must be avoided at all costs, and if you should find yourself, or indeed someone you care about in it, then you must do all that you can to get them out of it again… which is exactly what everyone I know seems to be doing for me at the minute. Take for example a conversation I had with a friend, Sam, last week. Now when I was in a relationship when I spoke to her then it would be quite a normal conversation. We’d do the polite niceties at the beginning and end and just randomly chat in a relaxed and humorous manner free from continual relationship questions such as “How is your relationship?”, “So are you really sure you’re happy with her?” and “Are you definitely definitely sure that you want to be in this relationship and you’re not just saying it?” interjected after every sentence (though looking back I wish she had..)

Now that I’m single though it appears that there is no time for niceties, or even normal conversation, with the delightful Sam skipping of the polite elements of a conversation like “Hello” and “How are you?” and heading straight in with “So any change on the single status?”. Answering “Hello to you and I’m very well thank you for not asking”, I then proceeded to tell her no I am single, and yes I am perfectly happy with that hoping that would mark the end of the me and my non plus one topic of conversation. Not so much. Yes there were a few attempts at normal conversation, but it just kept coming right on back to the same topic going from the relatively laidback “so not finding the single thing too bad then?” to increasingly anxious ones asking “so are you really sure that there’s not anyone you’re interested in”, ” come on be honest you’re really really not dating anyone?” and “but why, why aren’t you seeing anyone? I don’t understand!”. Seriously by the end of the conversation I was not just feeling that it was not alright to be single, but that I needed to go back into the single closet and just lie from now on and tell everyone that I’m happily in a relationship with my new made up girlfriend Tamara Aintworth.

But the reality is just like I’m proud of being gay and not afraid to tell anyone, I’m also pretty darn proud of being single too, and you know why? Because having spent the last decade bouncing straight from one relationship into another it’s actually rather joyous not having to think about anyone else’s feeling than myself, and that’s certainly not all that I have over all of you in relationships.

For example let’s look at goodbyes. When it’s time for me to say goodbye to someone all I have to do is say goodbye and then leave. Now let’s look at you and goodbyes with your other half. When was the last time that you got to say just those two syllables and leave? Can’t remember can you, and that’s because you have to do the relationship goodbye. You know the one we talked about back in my “5 Reasons I Don’t Like Dating Women” post, the one where before you even get the chance to say goodbye you first have to go over how amazing the time you spent talking to them was, how you can’t wait to do it again and then have to pretend it’s breaking your heart to have say those two syllables when the reality is all you want to do is get off the phone and go to sleep.

And that’s not all I’ve got over you. There’s also the fact that I get to have all my Facebook statuses to myself. Unlike you lot in relationships, I don’t have to make sure I add how much I’m missing my partner who I only saw four hours ago. I don’t need to tell everyone that it wasn’t just me that went to see Inception at the cinema, but me and my A-MAZING other half who made the whole experience so much better, and I most certainly don’t have to use up all of my birthday update, which should be all about how incredible I am, with how just totally totally awesome they are for buying me a crappy CD I didn’t even want.

And then finally there’s the thing I cherish most. I get to have a proper name and haven’t, unlike you, become just another “babe”, “sweetie” or “honey” in a long line of now I’ve got you under the thumb I don’t need to remember your name anymore. Oh and also I get to go out and be a fully grown adult by myself as opposed to be turned into a child as my oh so smothering loving partner spends every moment checking if I, her baby, is doing okay and other vomit inducing questions.

But I will admit it’s not all totally awesome being single. In fact there’s on really rather large downside to being single that I haven’t expected and that’s to do with flirting. Now there’s nothing I like more than a harmless bit of flirting. You know that kind of flirting that everyone knows doesn’t mean anything, but has the ability to put a smile on someone’s face. The flirting that never in a million years is meant to be anything than something that makes you laugh. Flirting I thought would be even more acceptable now I was single.

Well apparently it’s not, in fact it’s totally off the cards.

Seriously when I was in a relationship casual flirting was apparently fine. I’d flirt with people, people would flirt back, we’d all have a bit of playful fun and it wouldn’t go any further tha that. Now I try and flirt and it’s like they’ve turned into a brick wall. There’s nothing. Or if there is it’s like they’re cats caught in the headlights fearful that now I am single this flirting isn’t a bit of fun anymore, oh no this is now me revealing the true feelings I’ve been surpressing for them all these years. This is me telling them I didn’t split up with my last girlfriend because we had compatibility issues, this is me telling them that I did it all for them because they are my one and only.

Well guys and girls, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you couldn’t be further from the truth, this girl 100% immune to relationships and I don’t see that changing any time soon so lighten up and flirt with me! This single girl wants to have some fun!

Photo credit: thedarkfrnd