The Relationship Phobe: I Need To Go On A Dating Signals Course

There are two kinds of people on the dating scene. The ones who make the moves and the ones who have the moves made on them. Now most people think that the former take the initiative because they’re full of confidence and have a hard enough skin not to crumble into tiny little pieces if rejected. Well whilst I can’t deny that might be the case with some people, I can tell you that for some of us it’s for a completely different reason – the not being able to read signals.

Now obviously I’m not talking about street signals or semaphore signals because I excel at those (okay that’s a lie I wouldn’t know one semaphore signal from another). I’m talking about signals from women, particularly the ones that, according to everyone else, are so obvious that everyone else apart for me can see and we’re not  just talking fellow gays here, rather embarrassing my very very straight friends have proven it time and time again with one of the most mortifying having to be at a local coffee bar / restaurant that I met up with her in.

Now I had been going to this place for quite a while (we’re talking nearly a year) with friends, girlfriends and even on my lonesome a few times because it had a cool vibe and the owners, a father and daughter, were just a very chilled pair who were as much of what made it such a great place as the food and drink. In fact I’d say it was probably more down to the daughter who was just totally awesome at taking care of her customers. Well at least that’s what I thought…

That was until I said it to a friend whilst in said restaurant.

Talking about some silly dream of running my own bar I commented on how I thought this woman did a great job of running her business pointing out how it was really nice to see someone not just wanting to offer great service, but also caring about their customers and taking time out to chat. Then I look at my friend is looking at me like I’m talking some foreign language and the the most stupid person she’d ever met, and then proceeded in a dramatic manner to state “Really? You really think that’s what it is?“  To which I respond (a tiny bit scared) “Umm yes?!“, which is then met with a very dramatic “OMG, you really are stupid…”

Well  I still had no idea what she was on about and wasn’t going to get to know because now said business owner woman was over at our table, and she’s proving all my points. She asked how a meeting went last week, was I up to anything at the weekend, how my family is, jokes with me about something then asks what she could get us giving us some tips about what’s good on the specials board. Then she goes. And I turn to my friend and give her my best “See I am right and you’re wrong” look. The only problem is she seems to be giving me the same look again.

Now I truly don’t understand.

“Look just spill because I’m lost” I say to her. So she does, telling me to look at how owner woman is serving everyone else. So I do, and well I’ll admit that she does seem to be a lot less chatty with other people, and also isn’t quite as smiley, but hey she’s busy, you can’t smile all the time can you…. which is exactly what I say to the friend I’m sitting with.

And now she does what has to be one of the most embarrassing things anyone has ever done to me. She calls over said woman who comes to our table full of smiles and says to her pointing to me “You fancy her don’t you.”

Cue what feels like there is a fortnight long silence as I pray the floor just opens up and swallows me in so we don’t have to do this polite “I really hope this doesn’t offend you but no it’s just you’re not my type” and I have to go and find another restarant to chill in. Then the silence breaks and I hear something completely different. A “Well yes I would have thought that’s fairly obvious.”

Well it wasn’t to me… and no we didn’t and yes I am now really quite nervous about the person and have no idea what to say to them anymore.

However before you start thinking I’m completely useless at reading any signals I do want to make it clear I don’t always miss them. In fact sometimes they seem to shine through  like well very shiny things. The only problem  is that when they do they confuse me even more because whilst I can identify them as flirting I then have no idea what context they’re in!

Let me explain. Now I don’t know about you but I quite like a bit of playful flirting. You know the harmless kind that’s all about having fun and a bit of a laugh and definitely not about romance. The problem I have is I have no idea when someone else has decided to move from playful flirting to proper flirting, and let me tell you getting that wrong is seriously dangerous when you discover the person you thought were joking about with how we’re so well matched we should move in together and have at least four children is actually out there viewing houses and looking into IVF and surrogacy arrangements (and no I’m not making that up..).

And it’s not just interested signals I can’t read. Apparently I can’t read the in what context we’re flirting signals  either, and let me tell you that has the potential to be just as harmful to the relationship you have with a person as I found out recently with someone I knew who I had in the past playfully flirted, but then stopped because I suddenly became convinced she was giving off “Look I’m distinctly not interested in you and  whilst this flirting thing was fun to start with I’m now not sure if you’re not actually being serious about it and that’s making me feel really uncomfortable” vibes and that the sexual innuendos and slightly suggestive comments were making her feel awkward around me and that I was trying to get her into bed when I wasn’t (reading that back I’m starting to think maybe I over-analyze things a little…).  And I was convinced I was right because the moment I backed off and stopped we stopped seeing each other any more, something I have to say I was a little offended by…. well that was until I spoke to her recently and being unable to hold it in anymore I commented on how I missed how close we once were and how we didn’t seem to speak anymore… to which she agreed and then proceeded to tell me off for obviously becoming bored and disinterested in her as a friend because I suddenly stopped with all the amusing flirting that we’d once engaged in.

So basically moral of the story time. It’s probably for the best if you all just stick a little note on your head saying “Interested” or “Not Interested” on your heads.

Photo credit: Nicola Romagna