I’m Just Sayin: The L Word Should Have Stayed A Dream World

A few days ago, I was hanging out at the park up on Laurel Canyon with George Michael – no, not the singer, he’s too busy being under the influence and causing a ruckus somewhere London or maybe Texas, but my little canine aka“Georgie the Westie” – when I met Fiona. Now, don’t get too excited, this is not the beginning of some “once upon a time…and they lived happily ever after” romance crap, and Mona is not going back (yet) to playing the dating game again.

The reason I am telling you about this girl (Fiona) is because she kind of, sort of, said something that was very enlightening – you know one of those serendipitous light bulb moment that unexpectedly turns on some spiritual/existential switch in you.

Anyway, before I tell you what she told me, I should let you know that she is an astrology columnist for some Aussie-based weekly gossip publication a la US Weekly. Alright, now that I have put things into context, here’s what she told me when she found out my astrological sign.

“Geminis are too analytical and don’t trust their guts enough when they really should because they are very intuitive people. You’re just too brainy for your own good.”

So in other words, she was possibly saying that I think too much!
Of course I had to think about it for a second and figure out what that really meant in the big scheme of things called my life. Personally I don’t think I think too much. I think that, rather, I am a very observant person. As for trusting my gut feelings, I will have you know that the minute she said “gossip magazine”, I knew she was full of shit – and if that’s not being in tune with my intuition then I don’t know what is!

But because I am an optimistically positive sarcastic person what I decided to take from this conversation was the confirmation that I am extraordinarily brilliant (and not the least narcissistic), as in, I can detect BS at lightning speed.

Having said that, let me incoherently, and very randomly, segue to what I really want to talk about this week, which is the latest spectacular BS to have ever graced our small screens, namely The Real L Word.

Now the reason why I am only talking about it three weeks later is not because I didn’t jump on the bandwagon the very first time it premiered on Showtime, but really because it was so absurdly bad from the onset that I thought for sure it could only get better – you know, sort of like when you reach rock bottom, from that point on, the only way is up.

Evidently, three episodes later … well, let’s just say my “give them the benefit of the doubt” enthusiasm was way too optimistic. And because my intuition tells me it will only go from worse to beyond help, I am deliberately electing to speak out now – see, I’m not totally digressing here, I’m still talking about and obviously illustrating how connected to my intuition I am, contrary to wannabe Astro-girl Fiona’s accusatory belief.

Honestly, I don’t’ even know where to begin by no means am I pretending to be an authority in the field, meaning an expert television critic or reality show reviewer. But seriously, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see how “so not good” (I didn’t want to say “bad”) this show amazingly is! Nope, all it takes, besides an analytical (there goes that word again!) mind like mine, is just a certain amount of reality TV viewing and, most importantly, some freaking common sense.

So let’s start at the beginning. Once upon a time there was a show – about a bunch of hot lesbians living in Los Angeles – on Cable TV called The L Word, featuring, among others, my all time favorite Flashdancing jaw-dropping Jennifer Beals. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, all I have to say is “where the fuck have you been since 2004?”

Admittedly The L Word was not a masterpiece of a television series but at least it offered some good drama (even if, at times, a bit way too out there), some visually enticing, sensual, steamy girl-on-girl intimate scenes, and good acting from professional actors confidently oozing glamour, sexiness and fabulousness.

Anyway, long story short, the show was eventually cancelled, and left us all feeling oh so lonely on our weekly Sunday’s “all girls slumber party” nights.

So cut to 2010 – that would be now – Ilene Chaiken, unable to offer us a spinoff of the show that made us dream – and drool – has the brilliant idea (not so much!) to seemingly give us the same show-concept on the same day at the same time slot on the same cable network with almost the same title except for the “real” part.

Now I don’t know about you but I don’t always want to deal with or see reality especially when said reality is not so pretty. Let me dream for God’ sake; let my imagination imagine things that will for sure never happen in real life – like me hooking with Bette Porter! Geez freaking Christ thanks for ruining my fantasy!

So why do I have an issue with the Real L Word? Hmm the list is long, so perhaps it would just be easier for me to first mention what I do like about the show, which really boils down to one name: Tracy Reyerson.

And yes I am being very superficial because she is indeed the hottest chick on the show but in all objectivity, and to be fair, she is also the only normal and natural-looking character of the entire cast – albeit, being fairly new to the lesbian world, she seems to be making the same mistakes I did when I first came out namely pick the wrong woman. Tracy, I have one piece of advice for you: RUN! What I mean by that is that you don’t have to settle for less and it’s OK to have high standards when it comes to defining who qualifies as “dating material”. I’m just sayin’!

As for the rest of them – Nikki, Jill, Mikey, Rose and Whitney – all I have to say is: You are seriously trying WAAAAAYYY too hard to be “cool” … and are pathetically oozing desperation to be a Celebreality (or would “Celesbian” be more appropriate?) and it is so transparent, it is absolutely not organic. Stop behaving as if you’re “playing” the part! There are no parts! It’s called REALITY television for a reason.

Mikey, you are not a hotshot and LA Fashion week does absolutely not rely on your event-producing skills to make an impactful statement. Oh and by the way, you’re not in PR either, your job-description is called “event-promotion.”

Jill and Nikki, will you please stop making lesbian couples look so ridiculously piteous – you are not in a Lifetime Television movie of the week! Also Nikki, FYI: Yes “you can compete with a man”, it’s called a strap-on as my friend Sunshine pointed out!

Whitney, don’t bother worrying about how to get your ass into shape for that horror/porn movie you’ve been cast in – seriously, your weight-loss problem is the least of your worries honey!

Last but not least, Rose …. NO COMMENT!

Frankly, they’re all so dysfunctional they make me look way too normal in comparison – and that’s not normal! To think that it took months for the production company to cast the characters and that’s what, in the end ,they came up with?

Thank God I was watching this masterpiece of a television show with my friends McKenzie and Sunshine because had I not seen the look of horror on their faces, I, for sure, would have thought that the problem was all me. Hmm, not so much!

Let us briefly check the list of “don’ts” – as in things they are not supposed to do but do them anyway:

• The background music is cheap and absolutely sucks – check!
• It’s nothing but vignettes of boring people – check!
• The OTFs (On the Fly) are boringly repetitive and mind-numbingly retarded – check!
• The recaps are so annoyingly too long they might as well replay the whole “last week” episode – check!

Granted, in the big scheme of things, those are just minor production details that would probably not have happened had Bravo gotten their hands on it. I mean seriously, this show (The Real L Word) is so far from having the same uber delicious appeal and soapy drama-quality as “The Real Housewives of” franchise that we all so addictively love to hate and actually do obsessively watch.

If you ask me THE real problem is that the show is not focusing enough on the real actors, meaning the characters who have the most charisma and the most appealing and relatable personas, namely the dogs!

Here’s a suggestion: Please give the dogs more air time! They have much more interesting personalities than their owners and are much more fun to watch! Oh and by the way, when are they going to be properly credited? I mean we’re already at episode 3 and we still don’t know their names.

The level of cheesiness is so spectacularly high that even my very lactose tolerant French ass can’t handle it. The all time high was definitely reached in this past episode entirely dedicated to Valentine’s Day. As my friend McKenzie keeps saying “God Bless”! If this is supposed to be representative of what us, girls who like and date girls, do on the official most romantic day of the year then I think I will go back to being straight.

Are they for real? I won’t even bother to recount what individually enfolded on that day with each cast member because you’d think I’m making this shit up – and I don’t like to be called a liar!

Let’s just say that if you have to absolutely watch one episode and one ONLY then by all means (and I beg you) get # 3. Don’t worry you won’t get lost with the story line as there is no story- but ok there is a flat line.

Come to think of it the only thing that is real – besides our under-rated little furry friends – is the location: Los Angeles – no doubt about it! These wannabe somebody real-life lesbians definitely live in LA LA Land.

…and this is why in true Gemini style, I live in my mind! I don’t think too much, I just think sometimes it’s too much! I don’t turn on my television set for a reality check!
I tune in to tune out.

Now if you’ll excuse me but I have a real date with my (imaginary) girlfriend – I think you know her – her name is Bette Porter.