I’m Just Sayin… It Was Me That Pioneered Photoshop (To Make George Michael My Boyfriend)
Posted: 4th Mar 2010 Author: Mademoiselle M Topics: I'm Just Sayin
Just when I thought I had fully mastered all the multiple uniquely intricate facets of my fascinating personality, some recent daunting new findings evidently had to randomly emerge to totally wreck the pathological foundation of my very being.
Because of one stupid little psychological test, the past two years I religiously spent as a consecrated hermit getting to know who is I, were single-handedly flushed down the toilet. That’s a tragically wasted 730 days of my life that I will never get back.
But guess what? Apparently I am even more dementedly delusional than I thought I was. Frankly, I wasn’t quite sure at first how to stomach the news, but being the hopeless foolish optimistic that I am, I decided to take it as a compliment and add it to my ever-growing list of exceptional rock-star moments.
That said, before I go any further with my self-addressed laudatory tribute to my deluded madness, it is only fair that I (manipulatively) engage you in taking said test – for comparative evaluation purposes, of course.
So here goes the bench-test your brain problem – and pay attention please, there’s a quiz at the end and you only get one shot!
A woman, while at a funeral, met some guy whom she didn’t know. She thought this guy was absolutely amazing, to die-for, handsomely gorgeous – her ultimate dream guy! She instantly fell in love with him on the spot.
A few weeks later, she found herself attending another funeral, yet this time it was her own sister’s funeral whom, incidentally –and here’s the twist – she was accused of having murdered.
Why?
If your answer was anything along the lines of “she was jealous of her sister as she found out she was having an affair with that guy” or “the guy had the hots for the sister,” then kudos to you: you are officially a normal human being with a perfectly healthy sane mind. But mind you, you miserably failed the test for your total incapability to make the right logical reasoning and connecting the dots.
Now if, like me, your answer was “she was hoping that another funeral would allow her to see her dream man again” then, BINGO, you hit the jackpot!
Actually to be more precise, what you’ve brilliantly won is the prestigious official grand title of psychopath.
So ok, according to the myriads of academic researches conducted, collectively, by psychologists and psychiatrists alike, my mind qualifies as insane. In clinical psychology jargon, it is safe to assume that what that really translates into is that I am a public danger and a menace to society. Hmm, I guess the years I spent in monastic living weren’t a total waste after all!
Logically speaking, which evidently is the perspective I prefer to have on the matter, that only means one thing: I’m not only a considerate philanthropist but as well an absolute genius. Let’s be real for a second, only a diligent analytical mind could have so effortlessly produced the right answer. It’s literally as monumental an accomplishment as finding the criminal within the first ten minutes of a suspenseful psychological thriller – although I seem to have an inherent knack for that. But you get the point!
Seriously, I have every reason to be proud here. And looking on the bright side of things –which, naturally, I always do – what has now been revealed to me is that worse comes to worse, if I ever get tired of my famously glamorous PR career, I can always recycle myself as an FBI profiler – evidently I have the brain’ptitude for it.
All that said, to bottom line it, what everyone should, by now, really know about me is that, clearly, I think more than others think is practical. But the beauty of this is that eventually my seemingly complicatedly twisted logic always leads to a valid point that in turn contributes to the betterment and advancement of society. What can I say? My thinking is always a work in progress.
Speaking of progress … consider for instance, how I pioneered photoshop!
Yes, you read well, I am taking credits for spearheading the invention of photoshop and it all magically came to be circa 1984 out of desperate need of assimilation.
You see, back in the gloriously pathetic days of my sweet thirteen, the entire universe – at least the planet called “my classroom” – had a boyfriend or a girlfriend to claim as theirs. That was everybody but one person: MOI.
So because desperate times required desperate measures, I figured since my reality offered no hopeful prospect for change in that department, the best recourse I had was to lie. Mind you, I wasn’t about to pull any mundane types of lie – early on I understood the major repercussions I would suffer were I to be caught.
Oh no my lie not only had to be of colossal proportions but as well supported by undisputable evidence to dissipate any potential reasonable doubts.
Naturally I thought of manipulating a photograph of myself to make believe I had a boyfriend.
Long story short, I kind of blew my cover when I selected George Michael as my real imaginary boyfriend! I wasn’t kidding in my last column when I told you guys I was his # 1 fan. I can’t help it if my imagination has no limits!
Anyhow, I will have you know though that my photoshop job was flawlessly executed and had I chosen some random Joe Smith instead of George, I would have blindingly fooled everybody. MUAHAHA MUAHAHAHA…
In retrospect, the only thing I am truly disappointed at is royally failing to think of air-bushing my fat ass on that photo. I mean, for God’s sake, if I was allegedly dating the ultimate heartthrob of the 80s I could have at least made myself look like the model I knew was truly hiding underneath my pachyderm self. Oh well, just a minor detail in the big scheme of things, right?
Obviously, this goes to show that I was way ahead of my time, and (granted) way ahead of myself too. But I’m absolutely not a psychopath; I’m just a natural when it comes to thinking outside of the box!
