If you talk to most homophobes they’ll try and blame the fact that they’re against ghastly homosexuals like you and I because of the fact it is what the Bible says. This will then tends to be followed up by some rather nice quoting of passages and then them announcing that they therefore can’t be made to change their mind on the matter because this is the book they use to teach them about the best way to lead their lives.

And perhaps in some cases that is true. However in the case of this darling chap (who is actually far from a darling – you can see him in a news report below defending a horrific attack on a gay man) who decided it would be an awesome idea to get “You shall not lie with a male as one does with a woman. It is an abomination. Leviticus 18:22″ tattooed on his arm that excuse isn’t really going to work.

Why? Well because if he hadn’t actually stopped reading and carried on he’d have read “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:28″ which would tend to imply that tattoos are a big no-no.

Ah well at least now we’ll get to meet him in Hell and be able to try and convince him to change his mind about gays.

After having at least five minutes of people not asking me if I am dating anyone / interested in anyone / wanting to be in a relationship I have to foolishly admit that I thought people had moved on and me and my (non existent) dating life wasn’t the centre of their worlds.

Not so much. Watch the news in the UK and it seems to be about nothing but the Pope’s visit, what he will be doing, what he has done and what he’s going to do next. Well it’s been exactly the same in my life except the topic hasn’t been what the Pope is doing it’s been about just what is (not) going on with my love life.

And this isn’t just general chit chat. This is obviously some strategically planned mission that has seen my friends spend a lot of time putting together tactical plans where they believe if each of them ask me enough times and rephrase the same “so are you really not interested in anybody?” in as many different ways as possible that I am suddenly going to give in and spill the beans about the hot new woman in my life that I’ve been secretly dating and not telling them about.

The only problem however with this plan of theirs is though that it’s not going to work, and that’s because of one rather big thing – the fact that I’m not secretly dating anyone, though I have to admit I’m starting to think that I might just to shut everyone up.

There’s only one hitch with that though and that’s that the people my gaydar programmed heart is wrongly sent a fluttering by are 100% heterosexual and the ones that are interested in me are 150% high maintenance, and believe me after having relationships with more than a couple of “ME ME ME!” women I am so not going there again.

However whilst I know that, it does appears I either have a sign attached to my back saying “Now I can tell you’re really really needy and are going to need 150% of my attention all of the time, but really don’t worry about it. I have no life and really all I want to do is listen to you go on and on and on about your problems” or some kind of magnetic field that attracts said people to me because whilst I am looking for the kind of woman who doesn’t need me to reassure her of how much I love her and how amazing she is every five minutes, and isn’t going to throw a hissy fit the moment I talk to another woman, I find myself time and time again being seen as some kind of counsellor with people really assuming that I want to knowing the ins and outs of their lives and me being bought up to be far too polite for words sit there like a muppet listening because I have no idea how to get out of it much to the amusement of my friends.

Now usually one of them will after a while rescue me (the length usually depends on the joke I’ve played on them or how much I’ve teased them recently) and I’ll be able to miss out the horrific next stage that has me looking like a cat caught in the headlights and going from relatively chilled out to super stressed in 5 milliseconds. Yes that’s right the goddamn awful moment when you realise someone is about to summon up all their courage and ask you out and you know there isn’t a hope in hell and just want them to stop before they’ve even started but can’t.

And that is exactly what happened the other week. Now after being something of a grump for the last couple of months I’m getting back into my messing about flow and it appears building up some seriously big revenge points against me seen by how said “friends” were not only not helping me out of one of the worst “Oh please let the floor up open and swallow me” moments of my life, but were standing off to one corner laughing at me!!

Oh but it couldn’t have been that bad you think. Umm, yes it was. Fed up with being told I’m anti-social I randomly pick a woman to talk to (okay I randomly pick an attractive woman to talk to – I know I know I’m fickle). Well serves me blooming well right. Now this woman was either a psychiatrist, really really annoying or just stupid because everything I said to her she would immediately say back to me, it was like talking to a parrot but with a whole lot less personality.

However seeing that people were finding this amusing I decided to persevere mainly to try and pretend that I wasn’t slowly dying. Well that was another one of my least great ideas ever because then this woman obviously after thinking she’d brainwashed me into liking her with some kind of repetitive speech thing now began to blossom in confidence and show a bit of personality (which sadly I believe was all she had). Now in most cases this would have been good. In this case though the personality that developed wasn’t..

Now I will admit I am impatient. Very impatient. So impatient if you haven’t got to the point of what you’re trying to say in the first 10 words you’ve lost me. It was therefore unfortunate for this woman that what everyone else needs three words for she needed 1026, and even with all of those she still wasn’t confident about what she was saying adding “but then I don’t know maybe I’m overthinking it, what do you think?” at the end of just about everything she said.

By this point I’m no longer able to maintain my fake “I’m actually really enjoying this conversation” pretence to people around me and are fidgeting about, rolling my eyes and using all my willpower to try and get someone to save me, but nothing. If I’m going to get out of this alive I’m going to have to make my own escape. Now a normal person would just say “Well it’s been great talking to you but I need to get back to my friends” or something truthful. Me? I open my mouth and come out with “It was really nice to meet you but I’ve got to go one of my friends is leaving tomorrow to go travelling and I really want to spend some time with them before they do”. Now this is all totally a lie and obviously in my subconscious mind a clever way to ensure I can leave. Except I don’t do the clever thing and move whilst saying this. Oh no. I am still standing in the same exact place and now are stuck listening to another 2405050505 words on how she could never do it. Or maybe she could if she put her mind to it. I mean what did I think, oh and which person is it and where are they going? Well seriously I DON’T know because I made it up!!! Pointing someone out randomly and going for Egypt I now actually start moving but not before she whips a business card out of nowhere, tells me she really likes me and would I like to go out with her one day?

Cue the “help me” panic expression on my face. No I must certainly wouldn’t want to date her, but at the same time this woman has been uncertain about everything she’s said so far and is looking like she might cry if I say no. And so I say the only thing I can think of that will save us both, though not before putting my left hand behind my back, and utter “I’d love to but sadly I’m married” before backing away quickly in to a group of possibility the most unsupportive people in the world.

Photo credit: Sailboatescape

1.Black Swans

25% of black swans are gay and will have threesomes with female swans before stealing her eggs and bringing the cygnets up themselves. Now boys don’t get any ideas…

Photo credit: Phillie Casablanca

2.  Giraffes

70% of giraffe sex is gay sex. The other 30% is just so there can be more giraffes in the world

Photo credit: Martin Pettitt

3. Dolphins

Male dolphins have gay penetrative sex via the dolphin’s blow hole…. which raises the question what happens when the “bottom” dolphin needs to breathe…

Photo credit: The Pug Father

4. Bonobos

Bonobos (sometimes known as Pygmy Chimpanzees) often engage in gigi rubbing (also known as running their genitals together) Apparently it’s for social bonding. It also happens in humans in the dark corners of gay clubs… for social bonding (thanks to Brandi for correcting us on this one!)

Photo credit: Lightmatter

5. Albatross

One third of albatross couples are lesbian couples and are committed to each other for life. Yeah that’s what they say now. Wait till a hot new albatross lady appears on the scene.

6. Humboldt Penguins

Humboldt penguins love nothing more than a bit of gay loving, particularly if living in zoos where they really camp it up.

Photo credit: Martin Pettitt

7.  Koala Bears

Captive female koala bears often have lesbian sex sessions including upto 5 females. Ladies don’t you wish you were a koala bear in a zoo right now.

Photo credit: echoforsberg

8. Flamingos

Male flamingos will happily pair off with other males if there aren’t any females that take their fancy.

Photo credit: wwarby

9. Guianan Cock Of The Rocks

40% of Guianan-Cock-of-the-Rocks are gay. Well you kinda would be with a name like that wouldn’t you.

Photo credit: Almir Cândido de Almeida

10. Kob Antelopes

Kob antelopes have definitely been reading the “Lesbian Sex Guide” putting on an impressive foreplay performance by sauntering up to other females, lifting their forelegs, touching the other female between her legs and then mounting her. Well if it works for the antelopes..

Ever sent a text message one of those text messages late and night and then immediately regretted doing it? Of course you have, and so have these twenty people who for thought at the time it was such a good idea to send these gay themed texts. Thankfully for them only the person who received them and the whole of the world who access the Texts From Last Night is ever going to see them….. so that would be a few million then.

1. I’m Watching Ellen Text

Sent: I’m watching ellen!

Reply: just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

2. The Kevin Jonas Text

Sent: Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

Reply:Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

3. The Is He / Isn’t He Gay Text

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney’s “Circus”. Case closed.

4. The Lady Gaga Text

what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

5. The Male Figure Skater Text

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

6. The Closeted Brother Text

my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he’s not a prime example of the rare “baptist closeted gay,” i don’t know who is

7. The She’s A New Lesbian Text

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

8. The Gay Transformer Text

Sent: Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Reply: Every say of my life.

9. The Gay Speak Text

Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? “Power bottom.”

10. The Must Be Gay Text

Sent: I love how girls just decide that guys who don’t like them must be gay
Reply: I do the same thing. If a girl doesn’t like me…I am like, “i must be gay

11. The I’ve Got A Crush On You And Am A Bit Bitter About It Text

You’re the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

12.  The “This Is Going To Be Awkward Tomorrow” Text

Sent: im gay
Reply: i know
Sent: yea but for you.

13. The Coming Out As Really Really Gay Text

Sent: I’m not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
Reply: so you were gay…and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

14. The Just Because I Did That I’m Not Gay Text

dude, despite what happened last night, I’m not gay

15. The Just Because I Did That I’m Not Gay 2 Text

I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

16. The Does A Threesome Make Me Gay Text

Sent: do you think it i’m gay because i was in a 3 way las tnight?
Reply: well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
Sent: what chic?

17. The Finding Out Dad Is Gay Text

My dad just sent me a text telling me to “say hi to all the luscious bitches” at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood

18.The How Far The Gay Movement Has Come Text

Sent: Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we’ve come as gay people!
Reply: Doll, if you’re still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we’ve come as far as 2003…

19.The Drunken Lesbian Unintentional Sex Show Text

AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, “I’d give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning.” I think I’m single now.

20. The Trying To Work Out If He’s Gay Text

we couldn’t tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Photo credit:andronicusmax

Whilst we, the gay and lesbian people of this world, know a fair few other gays and lesbians there are some heterosexuals other there who don’t believe they know any at all, and the thought of actually having to come into contact with us strange types can seem like bit daunting. For example what exactly is the protocol for behaving around a gay person? Are there things that you should or shouldn’t say? Things you should or shouldn’t do?

Well actually, as you know there are, and so to prove that it isn’t all about us versus them, here at Queeried we’ve put together what we believe to be a very helpful guide on what heterosexual people should do when they come into contact with a gay, lesbian or bisexual person.

1. Don’t Scream

It’s understandable that suddenly realising you’re talking to a gay person is going to come as something of a shock to you, but we strongly advise against screaming, and it’s for two reasons. First it’s a little bit rude. Second your over-dramatic reaction is likely to have said gay person thinking you’re a gay too, because if there’s one thing we all are, without exception, it’s overly dramatic.

2. Don’t Immediately Try To Escape

Now that you’ve established there’s a gay person in front of you you’re probably going to want to run all the way home, shut the door, secure all the locks and put a cupboard in front of it. It sounds like a good plan, however just to make sure you don’t give them the wrong idea, and think you’re actually just playing hard to ge,t we advise slowly edging away to not make it so noticeable.

3. Don’t Assume That They Are Immediately Attracted To You Because You’re The Same Sex As Them

Now this is probably going to be something of a shocker, but strange as it seems it appears that not all gays and lesbians are attracted to anyone just because they are the same sex as them. Obviously we admit most are, but you know you might be one of the lucky ones whose talking to one of the few who actually aren’t just sex crazed animals after whatever meat they can get.

4. Don’t Assume That The Fact They’re Not Dressed In Bright Pink Means They’re Not Proud Of Being Gay

Obviously if someone is really committed to their gayness then they should be covered in rainbow tattoos and dressed in a bright gay Pink, however don’t assume just because the person you’re talking to, who is dressed more like you than a gay isn’t proud of who they are. They probably are, it’s most likely it’s just that Pink doesn’t go with their skin tone and they’re allergic to tattoo needles. Be sensitive to this and don’t start inquiring about why they don’t dress “gay”, they’ll be suffering enough discrimination and bullying from their own people.

5. Don’t Assume That Everything They Have To Say Is Going To Be Connected To Being Gay

Now let’s be honest if you talk to a gay person there’s likely to be a lot of talk about rainbows, Graham Norton, the L Word and having sex in public toilets, what with the LGBT lifestyle being so very different to that of the heterosexual one. Don’t be surprised though to discover that sometimes they will talk about non gay issues like the weather (well okay rainbows might come up again), politics and even comment on straight people. It is only momentary and will pass.

6. Don’t Feel The Need To Keep Telling Them You’re Straight

The LGBT crowd are quite a perceptive crowd and can tend to spot one of their “kind” so don’t feel you need to work too hard at letting them know that you are straight. However if you do feel slightly anxious that they may have mistaken you for one of their crew then just make sure you mention your opposite sex partner as much as possible in conversation just to make sure.

7.  Don’t Ask Them When They Decided They Were Going To Be Gay

We, as the LGBT community, like to promote the idea that we were born this way, mainly because it’s easier than having to remember dates of when we decided we actually wanted to choose a lifestyle that sees us face discrimination and hatred on a daily basis, so don’t push the issue. You’re only likely to make the gay person cross as you highlight their inability to remember dates.

8. Don’t Expect Them To be As Intrigued About You Being A Heterosexual As You Are About Them Being a Gay

Obviously there is a large chance that you are likely to find meeting a gay somewhat repulsive, but if you can get your gag reflex under control then it’s likely you’re going to find this alien specie quite intriguing. Don’t be offended that they don’t feel the same way, it’s not anything to do with you and your dull personality it’s because it’s most likely they’ve actually be raised by heterosexuals (who obviously found them left under a gay bush).

9. Don’t Be Afraid To Discuss Normal Things Like Movies With A Gay Person

Now it’s true that the gay world is sex obsessed, and that the only films they ever really want to watch are badly made gay pornos, however it’s important to remember that with more people signing up to the gay lifestyle every day that these gay pornos aren’t always going to be in stock so they have to make do with watching mainstream films every now and then. All we advise is when you do try to talk about films, you make sure you get the title exactly right, you know what these porn filmmakers are like with their naughty “Romancing The Bone” and “Ocean’s 11 Inches” titles… well actually you probably don’t.

10. Don’t Assume That All Gay People Know All Other Gay People

The gay world are indeed the social butterflies of this world, but with research suggesting as much as 10% of the world’s population is gay there is the likelihood that some gay people haven’t had the time to meet all the other gay people in the world, so don’t be surprised if they don’t know that gay man you once met in Timbuktu, they’ve probably just been busy.. being gay.

Photo Credit: Ewen and Donobel

Now come admit it this has to be the best gay newspaper headline that you’ve ever seen…..

Via Heavy.com

Whilst it may have only been mere moments since the iPhone 4 was unveiled that hasn’t stopped the advertising agencies getting their adverts out super quick.

Well okay, actually it has, but Electric Spoofaloo on the other hand have been far more efficient, putting together this Jane Lynch and Kassem G spoof in mere moments.

Seeing the Apple iPhone not compared to a Microsoft product as with previous commercials, but instead to Lynch herself , it unveils the shocking truth that Lynch doesn’t actually have a third nipple, it’s actually a front facing camera…

(Seriously we’re so out of the gossip loop we didn’t even know she had a third nipple…

Via Viral Lounge.

What makes you think that room 404 (the “You Are Here” room is a popular gay mens meeting room…)

Want to know how to get from Kissing to Petting to Fucking as quickly as possible? Well actually it’s really rather easy…. it involves being on the A99 for a while, and then the A8 but after that it’s a pretty nice run, quite scenic and you can get to Petting before Fucking…

However should you want to go straight from Kissing to Fucking and miss out Petting already, there’s even better news – you should be able to manage that in just under 2 hours 20 minutes…

(Click the image above to check out the exact route in more detail)

Via Reddit.

Every once in a while you see something that makes you realise that you’ve perhaps been a bit too quick to judge something… like for example learning First Aid.

Yes it’s an awful thing to say as it will help you save someone’s life, but come on if you’ve sat through First Aid courses in the past you have to admit the things themselves could kill you off they’re so boring…

However if this CPR educational video is a sign of things to come, well there’s no harm in brushing up on your skills is there..