Shut Up For A Minute You And I Need To Talk About Depression

I know it might not seem like it, but I tend to let a lot of things go, mainly because I haven’t the time, energy or lets be honest, passion, to get worked up about them.

However there are a couple of issues I’m not willing to be so laidback about, and one of those is the issue of depression.

Yes that’s right I’m going to drone on about depression again. I know you’re bored of hearing about it already. You’re fed up with article after article throwing statistics in your face of how many more young people are committing suicide than last year, how many relationships have been destroyed because of someone’s depression and how many people are on anti-depressants. Well this might surprise you, but I am too.

I’m bored with all the numbers already. Numbers do nothing for me. Numbers go in one ear and out the others. Numbers do the subject of depression a disservice. Numbers dehumanise the whole issue making it easy to criticise, so let’s stop with them already. Let’s make this issue personal.

Lets talk about what depression really is.

Depression Is The Thief That Snatched Away The Last Few Precious months A Dying Man Had With His Family

With just months to live, life should have been about grabbing all those opportunities to see all those things he’d always wanted to. It should have been about pulling those in that he loved most and telling them he loved them with every ounce of his being.

Depression being the cruel illness it is wouldn’t allow that though. Depression came in and threw the chance of those last few precious moments in the bin.

Depression gave this story a very different ending. Depression saw this terminally ill man withdraw from his family. Depression saw this man all too often being found sitting alone in dark rooms lost in his dark thoughts, a million miles away from where he and his family needed him to be.

Depression stole the moments this man didn’t deserve to have some cruelly taken away. And it didn’t just steal from him. It stole from his wife who didn’t get to grab every single moment that she needed before there would be no more to grab. It stole from his children who wanted nothing more than to stock up on as many memories as they could now because soon there wasn’t going to be a chance for any more.

Cancer may have been what killed this man’s body, but depression killed something worse. It killed moments of love, memories that never got the chance to exist. And do you know why he let depression have so much control? Because he believed the stigma. He believed, even as a dying man, that people would think less of him for being labelled as depressed. A word that should be about acknowledging something, but instead has become something to stigmatise people with.

Depression Was The Cruel Partner Who Kept A Young Woman Trapped In An Empty  Room And Turned Out All The Lights

Your twenties are meant to all be about having fun. About enjoying life.  About creating memories to tell the grandkids about. For this woman they weren’t. She found herself trapped in a controlling abusive relationship with a partner who controlled her every move. A partner who would confirm her every negative thought and suggest even more negative ones for her to dwell on. A partner who would in her darkest moments not look to pull her into the light, but wrap a cloak of darkness so tightly around her that not only could she see no way out, but she felt like she couldn’t even breathe anymore.

A partner called Depression.

And just like any abusive partner this wasn’t one willing to let her escape it’s grip. This partner loved the sense of control it had over her. Loved the sense of power. Loved knowing it had her trapped, and that now she was incapable of doing anything without it affecting her. And it knew it was sure of one thing, if she ever left it,  it wasn’t going to be for a happier freer life. It was going to be in a body bag.

And you know what? It got within a razor blade of its wish.

Not comfortable reading is it. Make you feel a little uneasy doesn’t it. Well don’t expect any apology from me. It should have. It should have because depression isn’t a nice subject. Depression isn’t as too many people imagine a throwaway word or an excuse. Depression is something very very real.

It’s Time To Change Our Attitude Towards Depression

Ever heard that someone is depressed and thought why don’t they just snap out of it? Of course you have.  You’re lying if you’re saying you haven’t. Everyone has, and you know what, there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s nothing wrong about it because we’ve all been naive about what depression at some point. It starts being wrong is if you don’t educate yourself.  Let’s go radically off subject for a moment and talk about babies. Babies aren’t born walking, but I’m pretty sure these cute little things look up at us grown ups walking about and think “Hey that looks easy enough. I’ll just stand up and off I go…”.

Then they try it.

Within milliseconds their nappy wrapped bum has smacked down on the floor again. It wasn’t as easy as they thought. They realise it’s going to take a bit more learning, a bit more investigation to get those feet working one after the other to keep their bums off the ground.

I’ve no doubt I’m probably the first (and most likely the last) to compare society’s perception of depression and a baby walking, but you know what. It’s not so different. Babies don’t know everything straight away. They make mistakes, they get things a little bit wrong. But what makes them different from most of us is they don’t just give up on understand what’s needed. And that’s an example we all need to follow.

If you don’t understand depression you need to start being proactive. You need to start educating yourself. And you know why? Because one day that depressed person might be you. One day you might be the person whose mind has been taken hostage by a debilitating disease that wipes out all positivity from your life and fills every inch of it with solid, immovable negativity. One day you could be that person so lost that you don’t even know that there’s a way out any more. And that one day is when you’re going to need someone to intervene and get you out of it, and if they don’t understand it, don’t believe that what you’re feeling really is true because you’ve both never bothered to learn. Well the consequences of that are unthinkable.

Or think about it another way. Imagine one of the people closest to you, one of your siblings or maybe a best friend, telling you that they’re feeling down. They think they’re depressed.

Then imagine yourself telling them that they’re alright, they’re just having a hard time.

Imagine saying they need to snap out of it.

Imagine after that not seeing them for a while.  Imagine then starting to think that’s a little strange. Imagine finding out they couldn’t snap out of it, so they took the only way out they could find and became one of the 15% who are clinically depressed who go on to commit suicide. Imagine how sick in the stomach that is going to make you feel.

Now stop imagining and start doing. Start learning and start educating.

Lesson 1: Don’t Think That You Can Solve Depression With A Comforting Pat Or Two On The Shoulder

Did you know you can cure cancer simply by giving someone a nice old hug? No, well there’s a reason why. It’s a load of bull. As is the belief you can cure someone of their depression with a few reassuring words and a cute squeeze of the shoulders. It ain’t going to happen.

Don’t though take that to mean it’s best to leave them. Best not to say anything in case you make it worse. Do the complete opposite. Let them know you understand that all this, it’s not them, it’s the depression. Let them know you are the person that they know cares. Let them know you’te the person who will call them to check they’re okay and not give a damn that the depression that’s chewing on their every thought stops you giving anything back.

Start focusing on the caring, not the curing.

Lesson 2: Recognise That Dealing With Someone With Depression Can Be Frustrating

Dealing with someone with depression the right way doesn’t mean you need to turn into a matyr. You will get annoyed and frustrated. You will because you are human. What is important to remember is it’s not the person that’s making you feel like that. It’s the illness. So don’t feel bad about these feelings. They’re natural. They’re also real so make sure alongside supporting them you make sure there’s support for yourself, whether that’s just somene else to talk to or an actual support group.

And don’t stop at just recognising it’s not them who’s making them angry. Recognise and tell them. Let them know your frustration has nothing to do with them. Let them know you love them and nothing is ever going to change that.

Lesson 3: Help Them Understand That Something Is Wrong

So I’ve done this in a bit of a higgledy piggledy order, but this is one lesson that can’t be missed out. It’s the lesson that points out things aren’t always black and white. The lesson that highlights it’s not only those who aren’t depressed who don’t get it. Just because you’re depressed doesn’t mean you’re going to realise or understand it either.,

Don’t get me wrong, people aren’t going to think they’re gorgeously happy and full of beans when they’re crying into their pillow and thinking what a treat it would be if today finished and tomorrow never came, but they also not necessarily going to realise that this behaviour, it’s not them. It’s the illness. Talking to them openly, and letting them tell you how they feel without judgement will put you both on a road together when you can show them something is wrong, and more importantly show them via getting professional help that it doesn’t need to be this way.

Lesson 4: Don’t Pretend You’re Their Fairy Godmother, But Don’t Be Mr Doom And Gloom Either

We’ve established you ain’t no depression healer. You’re not going to be able to stick a few rhyming words together and make everything better so there’s no point pretending you can. But don’t go getting all scared about saying anything at all. You’re not going to be the cure as much as you wish you could be, but don’t take that to mean there’s no hope. Yes, depression can turn itself into a terminal disease that ends up killing its sufferers by suicide, but it’s not a given. In fact it’s a minority. People can, with time and treatment, find themselves in a better place. Let them know that they will reach that point too, and you’re always going to be around to help them get there and stay there.

Lesson 5: Make Depression Something That’s Talked About Not Whispered About

We’ve all done it. We’ve heard someone is depressed and we’ve suddenly stopped talking normally. The volume of our voices gets turned down and we start to talk in hushed tones. Hushed tones that are usually out of view of the person. Hushed tones that we think are protecting them.

We’re not. And we’re not helping them twice over. By talking about it whilst tucked in a corner, where no-one else can see us, we’re not saying depression is okay. We’re saying “better not say this too loud becuase this depression thing it’s a dirty dirty word and is going to reflect badly on us”.

We’re also doing the person suffering a disservice.

When you’re with someone whose going through chemotherapy or other cancer treatment you don’t ignore the fact and then phone up a friend later on to see if they know how they’re doing. You ask them. By not doing the same to someone with depression you’re doing them a huge disservice. In fact worse than that you’re reinforcing the stigma that tells them that this isn’t something they should be admitting to. That this should be something they should be hiding away. You’re doing them wrong.

And now for the moment it’s time to stop. Not because I haven’t got anything more to say on the issue. On this issue I could write for days. It’s time to stop because I didn’t write this to be just another depression article you skim over and think “same old same old”. I want this to be something that makes you gasp, something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Something that makes you think about this issue differently, because we need to. And I’m not going to shut up until each and everyone of us does.

Photo Credits: Brad K, iboy_daniel, Tela Chhe, D. Sharon Pruitt (first), Kalandrakas, Perfecto Insecto, Kung Pao Cajun, d4rr3ll and Joi.