Ask The Expert : The Christmas After The Coming Out

The holidays are here and some lesbians are wondering how to get over the family dinners and tree trimming events while bringing their girlfriend home for the first time. And a special 16 year old has the courage to come out. This week, Emily weighs in on the importance of living your ultimate Truth.

Dear Emily,

I am 16 years old, a lesbian and really worried about coming out to my parents. I was wondering when you think the best time to come out is. I want to tell my parents but first it’s kind of awkward because even though they’re my parents, I don’t like to talk about personal things with them.

Second I’m pretty sure they’ll think that every girl I’m friends with I’ll have a crush on. That would be so annoying. Should I wait until I’m out of the house or would it make everything easier if I told them now?

Thanks,

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for being so forthcoming in your question. In my opinion, the best time to come out is always now. Now is the only place we have control over. If you wait until you move out, there may then be another reason on why it is not a good time. And there are always reasons.

You are sixteen and, of course, you do not want to share your personal life with your parents, no sixteen year-old does. Eventually you will want to share lots of things with them—eventually.

We cannot live our lives for others or what they think. We have a duty to be diligent to our own Truth. You are already half way there! Many lesbians live their whole lives never telling a single soul. And here you are still a teenager and willing to tell your own parents. You make every lesbian reading this proud and honored.

You will be amazed at how much better you feel once you tell them. Letting the truth out feels so good that waiting would have seemed futile. Why put off the good news?

I am certain that they love you and want the best for you. And they will have plenty of advice for you now, and after you tell them. Be sure to listen to what they have to say, even if it annoys you or you think they’re wrong. Parents will usually have it right half the time. Listen closely and then decide which advice is helpful and which can be discarded. But they have been in the world a long time and know things that will help you. Before you let them in on your secret, thank them in advance for their support. It will make them think twice if they decide to be unsupportive afterward.

There is never a good time to reveal a secret. It’s awkward and we never know how people will respond to differences. Be brave and do it now. Walk into the room, spell it out and walk away. No big deal. Let them make it a big deal of they please.

If they think you have a crush on every friend, so be it! They are going to have their opinions and you will have yours. If they begin to think you have a crush on every girl you hang out with, agree with them. “You’re right, mom. We’re in love. She’s cute, huh?” You can dispel assumptions and judgment easily by simply being agreeable to the one who is assuming or judging. No sensible person will continue to argue with someone that won’t argue back.

I hope you give the gift of your Truth this season. You have a ton of new friends supporting you over here. Happy Holidays!

Dear Emily,

I am 25 years old and I came out to my parents this past summer. I am bringing my new girlfriend home for Christmas. I am from Oklahoma, and it was not easy for my parents to accept my coming out. Thankfully, they are doing better with it.

To be honest, I am worried that people from my past will judge and my family will be scrutinizing my every move with my girlfriend. My parents seem so uncomfortable around me now. How can I feel more comfortable over the holidays?

Thanks,

Tina

Dear Tina,

What you resist persists.

Embrace all of it. Enjoy all curious looks and confusion. Pretend you are the star of a movie. Even to the point that when you notice no one is paying attention to you, wonder “Hey! Where did the cameras go?” Love every minute of it, even the uncomfortable nature of your parents. Watch them and notice any discomfort, embrace it, observe it, and it will dissipate.

Your ego mind cannot win if you leave the uncomfortable feeling alone and accept it. Too often we want to stop ourselves from thinking things that make us feel bad. So, why then when we try to stop, does it seem to get worse?

When we try desperately to get rid of a thought, feeling or upset we only make it stronger. Acceptance of our thoughts and feelings and then acknowledging them is key. Eckhart Tolle talks about this in his many lectures, feel the pain and discomfort of whatever it is and it can no longer have power over you.

Focus on what is going on around you and love it—good or bad. Your feelings of unease will disappear like witch water in the desert. Feelings have no power if we feel them. The only way you can be upset or uncomfortable is if you are fighting what is happening.

There is not much we can do about the attitudes and beliefs of those around us. It took them a long time to build themselves out of what they have lived and learned very early on. People are very capable of change. But they will never change if they don’t feel loved and acknowledged.

If you simply and sincerely thank someone after they have said something awful to you, they will learn more from that than a whole decade of berating them back. And they won’t soon forget your elegance, grace and class. You can be unaffected, indifferent and accepting if you never fight against reality.

Choose your parents for who they are. Choose to have your family confused about your lesbian relationship. And then have sex loud enough for them to hear it. Did I say that out loud?

Anything that you fight with in your mind becomes a big deal. Your ego will fight against anything because that is what keeps it alive and dramatic. Accept your family and friends for exactly who they are, and they can never surprise or disappoint you.

Be exactly who you are. Let others be who they are. Look at it as if you are in a film—a drama. Everyone has a role and we all play ourselves so well!